"Fall in love with the problem, not the solution" is startup advice so common it's become meaningless. Everyone quotes it. Few founders actually understand what it means in practice.
之探灵爱、不要结婚
My boss in China would say this constantly when we were sourcing deals, negotiating, selling, buying, just about everything. It vaguely translates to "Date around, don't get married."
I thought I understood what he meant. I watched him walk away from deals that looked perfect on paper, watched him keep three vendors competing until the very last moment. I nodded along like I got it.
Here's the thing about Chinese business philosophy: relationships with people are sacred. Silicon Valley inverts this. We romanticise products and treat people as metrics.
之探灵爱、不要结婚 isn't about being commitment-phobic. It's about being honest with your emotions. Save the commitment for things that matter - your team, your customers, the problem. Stay flexible on everything else.
Over the years I have translated and refined it to Love the problem, flirt with the solution.
The Dating Analogy
Think about any bad relationships: You meet someone attractive, decide they're "the one" after three dates, then spend two years trying to change them into what you actually need. Sound familiar? That's what founders do with solutions.
At DuanDuanZu in China, we built a beautiful platform for flexible office space. Had the offices, had the users. The problem was real - startups and people from out of town travelling needed meeting rooms and temporary workspace. But people are creatures of habit. They didn't want to change offices just for meetings, no matter how elegant our solution. We were so in love with our booking platform that we ignored how people actually wanted to work.
The insight: You can love the right problem but getting obsessed with the wrong solution is a recipe for problems. Flirt with more solutions until you found one that actually worked.
You don't marry until you are absolutely sure (thats the hope anyway).
What "Love the Problem" Really Means
What founders think it means: Interview lots of customers and build exactly what they say.
What it actually means: Figure out what causes the most pain that if solved would change the customers life.
The Flirtation Framework
Just like dating, solution flirtation has stages. But here's the thing: the timeline compresses as your company matures.
At ideation: You can date twenty solutions in a month. Get the number (spot a problem), go on a few dates (quick prototypes), have your first argument (user feedback that doesn't match expectations). If it doesn't work? Next.
With early traction: You're already in a relationship with a solution. The question isn't whether to start dating - it's whether to stay. The first argument (usage dip, churn spike) is your signal. Do you work through it or admit you picked wrong?
At growth stage: You're married. Divorce is expensive. But staying in a bad marriage costs more. The arguments (retention problems, support burden) aren't first dates anymore - they're red flags you've been ignoring for months.
The principle stays the same at every stage. The execution looks completely different. The signals are the same whether you're on date three or year three:
| Red Flags (Keep Dating) | Green Flags (Time to Commit) |
|---|---|
| You're constantly explaining why customers should want this | Customers discover uses you didn't anticipate |
| Usage requires heavy ongoing support to maintain | Usage increases naturally over time |
| Customers use it once then never return | Word-of-mouth happens without your prompting |
| You find yourself making excuses for poor metrics | Customers get upset when the solution is temporarily unavailable |
In PMF only ONE thing matters. Are customers naturally using this more over time without you begging them? Yes or no. Everything else is noise so stop measuring bullshit vanity metrics.
The Emotional Management Reality
The code, the prototype, the flashy deck are easy. Admitting your solution sucks is hard.
- Sunk cost: "We've already done, built so much" - Who cares? Dead weight - it is implied in the definition.
- Social proof seeking: "Investors loved this approach" - who the f are they? Are they buying from you?
- Technical pride: "This is the most elegant solution" - Elegance doesn't pay bills.
- Fear of starting over: "We don't have time to explore alternatives" - Time is all you have.
The Implementation Reality
I can't tell you what works for your company. I'm not an oracle. But I know this: throw your ego out. Control your emotions. The solution you're defending right now? It might be the problem.
Product-market fit is dating. Founders just suck at it because they're desperate and clingy. We need reassurance, positive reinforcement but counterintuitively looking for it actually creates bias, when it is natural it just manifests - you know, period.
Want to know why some founders seem weirdly confident in their solution? They're not lucky. They killed other solutions first.
Why It Matters
Would you rather be stuck in a bad relationship hoping it doesn't blow up tomorrow, or would you rather admit it's not working while you still have options?
Time is the only thing you can't get back. I wasted twelve months on DuanDuanZu because I fell in love with our platform instead of staying flexible on solutions. The problem was real. The solution was wrong. By the time I admitted it, we'd already spent a year trying to change user behaviour instead of changing our approach - eventually COVID killed it for us. The external force.
之探灵爱、不要结婚. My boss was right. I just wasn't listening.
